if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
