You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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