I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
