walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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