Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
