Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I want to walk on stilts...naked
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
