you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
