the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
