She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
