I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
