he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Randomize
