worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
