i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Randomize
