She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
