the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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