apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
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I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
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He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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