I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
