3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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