you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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