Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
