i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
