God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
