I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
