so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
