you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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