you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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