I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
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