so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
