Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
