and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
