I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You brought string cheese to the strip club
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
