now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm always down for nudity.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
