It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
