i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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