just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
