She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
