I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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