i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
