i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
