Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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