He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
