I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
