can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I smell stomach acid.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
