Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
