I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
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My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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