Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
