I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
