update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
