I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
