i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
