I could make wine with my vomit
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
