The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
