It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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