My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
