Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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