Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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