I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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