So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
