my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
