cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
