new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
